Episode
Stop saying, "If I Die..."
- Published
- Jun 12, 2026
- Duration seconds
- 77
- Processing state
not_requested- Canonical source
- https://ftapon.substack.com/p/stop-saying-if-i-die
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Summary
My mom often says, “If I die….” I sometimes accidentally say the same thing. The “if” is a cognitive security blanket I pull over my head so I can pretend that death — the only thing every single human being who has ever lived has accomplished — might somehow not apply to me. As though the universe looked at my particular assortment of questionable decisions and said, “This one, we keep.” It will not say that. I am, biologically speaking, a disaster in slow motion. I have a weakening knee. I have eaten gas station sushi. Twice. I once stayed up until 3 am reading reviews for a blender I did not buy. “If I die, give my record collection to someone who will actually appreciate it.” Wrong. “When I die, some stranger at an estate sale is going to pay $4 for a crate containing my entire personality.” The “if” started innocently enough. Parents use it. “If something happens to me...” they say, then trail off. But I’ve decided to stop. As an act of radical honesty, I am replacing every “if I die” with “when I die,” and I am inviting you to join me in this terrifying linguistic journey. Let’s try Before: “If I die, make sure the kids know I loved them.” After: “When I die, make sure the kids know I loved them — and also that the router password is taped inside the drawer.” What do you think? Put your thoughts in the comments. Connect Send me an anonymous voicemail at SpeakPipe.com/FTapon You can post comments, ask questions, and sign up for my Substack newsletter . If you like this podcast, subscribe and share! On social media, my username is always FTapon . Connect with me on: * YouTube * Facebook * Instagram * X * TikTok * LinkedIn Sponsors 1. My Patrons sponsored this show! Claim your monthly reward by becoming a patron for as little as $2/month at https://Patreon.com/FTapo…