# #57: Stop wondering if they like you: The dating question that changes everything

Page: https://stenobird.com/podcast/practicing-love-have-the-best-love-and-sex-of-your-life-after-40-7053593/57-stop-wondering-if-they-like-you-the-dating-question-that-changes-everything
Text version: https://stenobird.com/podcast/practicing-love-have-the-best-love-and-sex-of-your-life-after-40-7053593/57-stop-wondering-if-they-like-you-the-dating-question-that-changes-everything.md
Podcast: [Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40](https://stenobird.com/podcast/practicing-love-have-the-best-love-and-sex-of-your-life-after-40-7053593)
Published: 2026-06-21T18:05:00+00:00
Episode link: https://55a15c30-fab8-4111-89c4-b7c13a31ff7f.libsyn.com/57-stop-wondering-if-they-like-you-the-dating-question-that-changes-everything
Audio file: https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/55a15c30-fab8-4111-89c4-b7c13a31ff7f/Shana_Ep_3.mp3?dest-id=4744482
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JSON: https://stenobird.com/v1/public/podcasts/practicing-love-have-the-best-love-and-sex-of-your-life-after-40-7053593/episodes/57-stop-wondering-if-they-like-you-the-dating-question-that-changes-everything
Duration seconds: 1217

## Resource

If you've ever left a date replaying every moment in your head, analyzing every text message, or wondering whether you said the wrong thing, you're not alone. For many people, especially those dating after 40 or dating after divorce, first dates aren't actually about getting to know someone. They're about trying to figure out whether you're being liked. In this solo episode of Practicing Love , dating and relationship coach Shana James reveals the second mindset shift in her series on transforming modern dating. While the first shift focused on changing the dynamic of a date by naming a shared intention at the beginning, this episode explores the internal habit that quietly sabotages connection long after the conversation begins. The problem isn't always obvious. Once a date gets underway, many people naturally fall back into monitoring themselves. They start wondering: "Am I coming across well?" "Do they like me?" "Am I attractive enough?" "Did I say the wrong thing?" According to Shana, this constant self-monitoring creates a split in attention. Part of you is present in the conversation, while another part is standing outside the experience, evaluating your performance. The result? You become less available for authentic connection. Instead of being fully present, you're busy reading facial expressions, decoding reactions, and trying to predict whether the other person approves of you. Even emotionally intelligent and self-aware people fall into this trap because it can disguise itself as attentiveness or empathy. Shana explains that the question most people unconsciously ask on dates is: "Do they like me?" But she offers a much more powerful alternative: "Do I like how I'm showing up in this conversation?" That single shift changes everything. Rather than making yo…

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