# Controlling Your Partner: Just Because You Want Them to Change, Doesn't Mean You Get to Control Them (And Push Them Away)

Page: https://stenobird.com/podcast/master-your-marriage-6011000/controlling-your-partner-just-because-you-want-them-to-change-doesn-t-mean-you-get-to-control-them-and-push-them-away
Text version: https://stenobird.com/podcast/master-your-marriage-6011000/controlling-your-partner-just-because-you-want-them-to-change-doesn-t-mean-you-get-to-control-them-and-push-them-away.md
Podcast: [Master Your Marriage](https://stenobird.com/podcast/master-your-marriage-6011000)
Published: 2026-03-26T21:00:00+00:00
Episode link: https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/marriage-101-just-because-you-want-them-to-change-doesnt-mean-you-get-to-control-them-and-push-them-away
Audio file: https://episodes.captivate.fm/episode/9becb9e2-a863-47be-a2b5-e0810a4b32ea.mp3
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JSON: https://stenobird.com/v1/public/podcasts/master-your-marriage-6011000/episodes/controlling-your-partner-just-because-you-want-them-to-change-doesn-t-mean-you-get-to-control-them-and-push-them-away
Duration seconds: 1551

## Resource

In this week’s episode of Master Your Marriage, we continue our series on Terry Real’s Losing Strategies in relationships. Last week we unpacked Unbridled Expression. This week we dive into Losing Strategy #2: Controlling Your Partner . We all slip into control tactics — sometimes overtly through criticism, insults, or demands, and sometimes more subtly through guilt-tripping, gaslighting, blame-shifting, triangulation, or emotional manipulation. While these behaviors may give us a quick sense of relief or power when we’re in “The Crunch,” they ultimately damage trust, create resentment, build emotional walls, and erode intimacy. Sharla and Robert explore: Why our brains are wired to crave control (and why it almost always backfires) How control shows up in both overt and covert ways The real hidden cost of trying to manage our partner’s behavior, choices, or emotions Why “If only you would change…” is such a compelling but losing strategy If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “If only my partner would just…”, this episode will hit home. Learn how to recognize control in yourself and move toward real connection instead. Journal Prompts from this episode: When do you notice “The Crunch” — that frustration when things aren’t going the way you want? How do you reach for control in those moments? Which tactics show up for you? What would your wisest, most loving self do differently next time? Consider sharing one honest insight about your own behavior (not theirs) with your partner. Resources Mentioned: Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy and The New Rules of Marriage John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism) If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave us a 5-star review and comment — it helps us reach more couples. Share it with s…

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