# Hey Olivia, why am I the villain for leaving an abusive marriage?

Page: https://stenobird.com/podcast/divorce-happens-6931880/hey-olivia-why-am-i-the-villain-for-leaving-an-abusive-marriage
Text version: https://stenobird.com/podcast/divorce-happens-6931880/hey-olivia-why-am-i-the-villain-for-leaving-an-abusive-marriage.md
Podcast: [Divorce Happens](https://stenobird.com/podcast/divorce-happens-6931880)
Published: 2026-08-11T14:40:00+00:00
Episode link: https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/divorce-happens
Audio file: https://episodes.captivate.fm/episode/b78a70a4-b7b5-40c5-b82b-e5cd2c5a2309.mp3
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JSON: https://stenobird.com/v1/public/podcasts/divorce-happens-6931880/episodes/hey-olivia-why-am-i-the-villain-for-leaving-an-abusive-marriage
Duration seconds: 406

## Resource

There's a particular kind of injustice that so many survivors know intimately: you're the one who finally said enough, and somehow you've become the villain of the story. In this week's Hey Olivia letter episode of Divorce Happens, host Olivia Howell answers a listener who is pushing for her own divorce after enduring abuse for years — abuse that is still ongoing, even now, in the middle of the process — while her husband performs the role of the blindsided, devastated spouse to his family and to anyone who will listen. She's holding a boundary, refusing to explain or justify herself to people who've only ever heard his side, and she wrote in asking a question so many divorcing survivors carry silently: how do you breathe through being cast as the bad guy for finally protecting yourself? Olivia meets this letter with a clarity that cuts straight through the noise. She names, plainly, one of the most disorienting dynamics in high-conflict and abusive divorces: the person who names the problem out loud almost always looks like the problem to people standing outside the relationship, because outsiders only ever get the version of the story someone motivated to tell it favorably chooses to give them. She calls the “I never saw this coming” performance exactly what it often is — a self-protective narrative for behavior that wouldn't hold up under real scrutiny — and she's unflinching about the deeper truth underneath it: his performance doesn't get to overwrite what the listener already knows happened to her. This episode speaks directly to anyone questioning their own reality after leaving an abusive marriage, and to anyone wondering whether they owe the people around them a full explanation before they're allowed to go. Where this episode offers real, usable relief is in…

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## Transcript

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