# New & Ancient Rules of Relationship: Advice from a Therapist & Two Celibate Monks | Terry Real Q&A

Page: https://stenobird.com/podcast/clear-mountain-monastery-project-3695945/new-ancient-rules-of-relationship-advice-from-a-therapist-two-celibate-monks-terry-real-q-a
Text version: https://stenobird.com/podcast/clear-mountain-monastery-project-3695945/new-ancient-rules-of-relationship-advice-from-a-therapist-two-celibate-monks-terry-real-q-a.md
Podcast: [Clear Mountain Monastery Project](https://stenobird.com/podcast/clear-mountain-monastery-project-3695945)
Published: 2026-05-14T15:59:55+00:00
Episode link: https://clearmountainmonastery.podbean.com/e/new-ancient-rules-of-relationship-advice-from-a-therapist-two-celibate-monks-terry-real-qa/
Audio file: https://mcdn.podbean.com/mf/web/j9pgr7ajvd07x7wv/yt_video_EwkMvtwr7s8_gcuhsk.mp3
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JSON: https://stenobird.com/v1/public/podcasts/clear-mountain-monastery-project-3695945/episodes/new-ancient-rules-of-relationship-advice-from-a-therapist-two-celibate-monks-terry-real-q-a
Duration seconds: 3508

## Resource

In this session, Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho speak with Terry Real, therapist, author, and creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) (https://terryreal.com/).00:00:00 Introduction00:02:49 Coming out of the closet as a long-term meditator00:04:46 Three parts of the brain and the psyche in RLT00:05:42 Explaining the survival instincts of fight, flight, and fawn00:06:22 Defining the "wounded child" and the nature of trauma00:07:18 The role and function of the "adaptive child"00:08:40 How trauma triggers reactivity in current relationships00:11:41 The neurobiology of getting flooded and going offline00:12:48 Introducing the concept of "relational mindfulness"00:14:15 Moving from the reactive mind to the responsive mind00:16:43 The importance of performing trauma work with partners00:19:02 How the Buddhist Eightfold Path relates to reactivity00:19:26 Integrating spiritual friendship with the need for seclusion00:19:40 The framework and the "Ten Commandments of Timeouts"00:20:25 Skillful distance and the dance of intimacy00:21:20 Establishing healthy self-esteem and God-given worth00:22:50 Balancing abandonment wounds versus intrusion wounds00:25:31 Correcting the epistemological mistake of individualism00:26:49 Waking up to ecological wisdom and relationality00:30:01 A Zen story about treating others while "saving the world"00:32:02 Releasing conceit and the movement from me to we00:34:28 Common pairings of wounded and adaptive children00:35:13 The five losing strategies of the adaptive child00:36:59 Examples of how adaptive strategies reinforce each other00:38:04 A story of recovery and relational heroism regarding lying00:41:36 Understanding accountability and the "second consciousness"00:43:53 Distinguishing between blame, victimhood, and responsibility00:45:46 The ris…

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